For the past month, since returning from visiting my family for Christmas, I have not been able to sleep. I find myself still awake at 2am staring at the ceiling. The anxiety has filled my entire body… my entire soul. At some point in my life I have to come out of the closet. It seems like every time I start to turn the knob and open the door, the anxiety rushes through my skeleton and rattles my bones. My gut shrinks and my words become silenced. I let go of the knob and take a step back. I find my comfort place and think about the events that have led me to this place. At some point I need to take that first step.
In 48 hours I will board a flight from Dallas, TX to San Francisco, CA. For almost a year I have been craving my mom’s cooking. What better day to enjoy my mom’s cooking than Thanksgiving.I discovered this photo online over the weekend and thought, “Wouldn’t that make for an interesting conversation.” It wouldn’t be a great idea since I prefer to sleep in a free bed and receive free meals for 10 days.
I did not realize that a few months have passed since I last posted. A lot has happened in the course of three months… well not actually. But I like to pretend. Gay engineers are just as boring and socially awkward as straight engineers. Luckily I found a man who can stand the awkwardness: he is a teacher and computer programer. That should explain a lot.
I have decided that relationships suck ass (no gay pun intended). Seriously though. They do. My boyfriend of almost two years has broken up with me and decided I am no longer worth his time or effort. I have to relearn how to be single.
Now where did I put my tight pants?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two months now. Every time I think about it I think, “Wow! I have found the man of my dreams. What is next?”. Unfortunately, the state of Texas does not recognize the commitment between same-sex couples, whether it be a civil uion, domestic partnership, or marriage. My boyfriend and I have been throwing the term “partner” around for some time now. We depend on each other emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually. We have become so close and disconnected, that we have a desire to move onto the next level of our relationship.
Although, I do not know what that is. We would have to have a commitment that is not recognized by any higher authority than ourselves. I do not know of any gay examples of how I am supposed to propose to my boyfriend. I want to much to be with my boyfriend, but I do not know how. I should be receiving a bonus and I intend to use it all to purchase a platinum ring to present to my partner. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I had an interesting revelation the other night that I believe is important to share. My boyfriend and I have been discussing the use of the term ‘partner’ when referring to the other in conversations with friends and acquaintances. We have been together for nearly two years. Recently our discussion have included the debate on marriage and we have been focusing a lot on how the country is reacting to the marriage debate. We have not talked about it in depth, but I believe we are moving in the direction of becoming life long partners. If not life long, then definitely long term.
This got me thinking back to my childhood years. I like to think that most boys think about the person who they will marry. I am sure they have thought about what kind of man or woman they will be reciting vows to and sharing that first kiss as a married couple. I know I thought about it as a boy. I also remember having a very obscure illusion of the person who would be standing along side me at the alter. I do not remember a long white dress. I do not remember a veil. I do not remember ever imagining a person with female characteristics.
I do not know if I am ready to marry yet. But I do know that I love the man I am with and I hope we can be together for a very long time.
Four letter words. They can the strongest. They can be the most hurtful. They can cause pain and misery. They can bring joy and happiness. They can be used as an insult. They can be used to cure emotional wounds.
L-O-V-E…. My parents have told me every day since I came into this world. It’s how I feel about my closest friends; my family.
But, that word sounds sweeter, stronger, and more comforting being spoken through his lips. Eighteen months later we say it to each other. I have never been in such a great place.
I love him… And he loves me.
I want to make a confession: I am not very good at writing. I have never been good a writing. I never had an interest in writing. One thing that intrigues me about engineering is that I do not have to write very often. When I do have to write for my job I submit a draft to the technical writer who edits and corrects grammar and sentence structure.
What I have learned is that writing helps me do something that I am not so great at: expressing myself. At a young age I learned how to suppress my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I was taught that gay men were inferior and weak; that their femininity was a result of their sin. The words queer, faggot, and gay were spoken freely in my home. Each one was like a frozen arrow penetrating my skin. It did not take long for me to become numb and apathetic. I did not want my family to learn of my attraction to other boys my age. I did not want to be viewed as week. I formed a hard shell that prevented me from becoming too close to anyone.
Writing has allowed me to open myself in ways that I have never been able to. The hard shell has slowly began to crack. I have been able to share my life and my story with strangers in a coffee shop. I have been able to be vulnerable in the arms of the man I love.
Through this, I have been able to find comfort in my own skin. I have been able to accept the man who God created me to be. I hope that in the time to come to share more of stories of my past, blessings of the present, and visions of my future.